I don’t know why but lately I just feel so inadequate and it isn’t even so much to do with my looks anymore. Now I binge and purge out of habit which I can’t stop and then if I gain weight it is a bad day but I could not weigh myself and not feel that bad. I just still have to purge because that’s just what I do. I have been doing it every day for 3-4 years. I have had times where the cycle has stopped but now I don’t imagine it ever stopping. This is my sad pathetic life.
Now I feel inadequate in just who I am as a person. I look in the mirror and see this dull, unattractive girl who isn’t interesting in the slightest, who still is socially awkward around people she doesn’t know that well and who is not good enough. I will never get the amazing grades I used to. I want to be the person I was. Now I feel like barely a person. I just wish I could somehow realise that I am adequate and an okay person, but I never will. I will always be that girl who was never good enough.
I always think to myself that I need to get some more professional help and go to an inpatient centre otherwise I will never truly recover; there are too many excuses alone. In an ideal world I would not be bulimic at university but I just feel that is never going to happen. Every night is a struggle and the pains I get are ridiculous. I need to stop but I can’t.
I want to restrict. I don’t want to eat; food is evil. All I want is some self control. And to lose 20lbs.